thoughts

Fuck you

Oh fuck you. I’m so tired of your shit. Stop fucking think that the whole world revolves around you. That every little fucking thing I do is fucking about you. You’re such a fucking pessimistic, self loathing, hypocritical bitch. I was good to you. But I’m sorry I can’t be around forever. We all make mistakes and I’m sorry that I hurt you. But you hurt me too. And I hope that one day you will realise and understand why I acted the way I did. I’m just so sick of this and I’m sick of you.

I thought this distance would help. And it is kinda. I pretend not to care when I see you, but I do. I pretend to be so intrigued in a conversation with someone else, but instead I’m wondering if you’re looking my way. I try to avoid you because I’m scared what you would think of me. So basically you probably think I’m so uninterested in you. Which couldn’t be further from the truth. I pretend you’re nothing but a friend to me. I still can’t stop thinking about you. And I get so jealous when you start talking to someone else. This feels so high school I know. The thought of you with other new people drives me insane. Maybe I don’t want this distance anymore? Maybe I do want to see you everyday like it was. I want to know everything about you. And I want to be your best friend. I sound like such a stalker. Haha, but it’s so hard when you’re so pretty damn amazing.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever find peace/happiness within myself if we continue to be strangers like this. If we continue on heading down this path. Separate paths. Separate lives. No communication. I just need you to know that this isn’t easy for me at all. I think you’re under the impression that I’m better off without you, but that’s a complete lie. It sucks that we don’t talk anymore. I guess that’s what happens when both parties stop making an effort and for some reason expects more from the other. I know at this stage that I have lost you. I hope things turn around. It doesn’t matter when, I just hope it does eventually.

Have people gotten greedier in this day and age? Have people started focusing too much on materialistic items in their lives? Buying brand names, a BMW, a big house, fine dining, expensive clothes and flashy jewelry. Is it really worth it? Why do these things make us feel better? Is it because we want to feel more superior to everyone else? It all just seems so superficial and shallow. The fact that you need to feel like you need to prove to yourself and everyone else that you are worth something. That’s just silly. Is our self confidence really that low? Or do we secretly crave attention? What do these items really mean to us? Do they stick with us like the way we love our best friend? Do we think about these things everyday like the way we can’t get over an ex-lover? Or maybe it’s just the fact that these are our little but expensive guilty pleasures in our life. And probably only temporary too. They are like some kind of drug, they make us feel good for a bit. But really in the end we need to take a good look at ourselves. What we believe we represent to the world. Do we really need these things in our lives? Are we too selfish, self centered, superficial and materialistic? Probably. But at least I look good? And at the same time the world thinks I’m a prick. Ironic.

Things I like at the moment (Friday 2 March 2012):
Music with heavy bass
Dancing
My job
My work friends - old and new
Leaving behind the friends who were never genuine
Going to gym classes
My chiropractor
Reflexology
Instagram
Having crushes (haha so primary school!)
Having an imagination again
Endless opportunities
Having choices
My confidence
Being comfortable and happy
Not being sick
To be continued.

Jealousy. You seem to have the perfect family. The perfect house. The perfect wife. The perfect job. The perfect kids. The perfect life. You’re successful, you have your own business. Your family is lovely and doing so well for themselves. Such high achievers. Such health fanatics (seriously wow) and very fit physically. And you’re all pretty good looking too. So yeah. I’m very jealous of you (refer to previous blog re family).

Families. Do they drive you crazy too? Feels like every time I’m at home, I don’t want to be here anymore. I feel like I become more and more depressed when I’m around family. And some times I can’t just stand it. This is a horrible thing. It shouldn’t be like this. Has it always been like this? Or is everyone just so fed up with each other by now? So why do we put up with this “torture”?? Must be out of some kind of love and the fact that we share the same blood in our veins. We miss each other when we don’t see each other. But the opposite occurs when we do. But when things go right - you really are just the happiest kid in the world.

Eat sleep work study exercise (attempts) socialize drink (a little) laugh (a lot) play dance sing smile
Summarizes my life at the moment.
26 February 2012 - 12:12am
Written in the bed
Thoughts - I have work tomorrow, I really should sleep or else I’m going to regret it in the morning!!

I wish I can take you off my mind. How did we get to this place? I wish things could be the way they were. We were happy weren’t we? I haven’t felt that type of love and fulfillment for a long time. I miss you. And I think we are both to proud and stubborn to admit it. To admit that we can’t be without each other. This hurts too much. It’s sad that we lost a friendship out of this. But do I regret what happened between us? No. Do I feel used? Yeah, a little bit. I don’t see how you can just expect everything to be normal again. You did this to me. Or did I just fall in way too deep for you? So I fail to see how this could be all my fault. I still love you. And I always will. Maybe one day we will walk past each other on the street as strangers. And not even realize it. It’s amazing how one person could affect your life so much. One minute, I was on top of the world. I was so happy that I had you in my life. You were my best friend. The next minute, I’m falling into the depths of depression. I couldn’t get out of bed. But you know what? I’ve realized now that you’re actually not so great. You’re so heavily flawed and actually a really big hypocrite. You’re a walking contradiction. I’m better off without you. But why is this still affecting me so?

I’m content at the moment. In fact I’m just loving life. We need to be more happy. Think more positively. Laugh, learn & love more. Be more open, less judgmental and more accepting. We need to change our frame of minds completely. Let that negativity escape our thoughts. Life is actually great if we allow ourselves to focus on the good things. And we need to be grateful and treasure these precious moments. We are lucky and the opportunities are endless. Many times, it can be tough, and our thoughts are often clouded. For a lot of us, we just need to start with a positive attitude. Live life. And love it.